Confessions

How I Killed My Child And I Don’t Regret It – Confession

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I Killed my baby and I liked it. I have been called a slut, a whore, a prostitute, a horrible horrible person but I am happy I killed it. I was happy then. I am happy now. And for all those who say I am going to regret it later, I will be happy in the future, I know for sure.

Two lines! That F*cking pregnancy test had two dark red lines on it. Didn’t believe it the first time, nor the second or third, it actually took me 7 pregnancy tests of different companies to make myself accept that the one single sperm had made its way deep inside of me to make a mommy. Mommy? Nah! It was just too soon for me to get there.

I was just 22, I was in a live-in relationship with my boyfriend in Mumbai. Just the last month was a live-in, because I was shifting back to the capital, my home. We had sex. We had drunken sex. We had erotic sex. We had fantasy sex. We had wild, really wild sex. We had angry sex. We had break-up sex just to have make-up sex later. Basically, we had had all kinds of sex. That one morning, this was the maximum drama and Bollywood my life could take, but that one morning, my last morning in Mumbai, our last sex, was the one that got me pregnant. How unlucky was I? Level- gazillion, I think.

I was in Mumbai for 3 years, we had sex 300 times, 30 out of which were without protection. I know, we should have ‘done the rex’, but then couples who have been dating for a few years and are living together, sometimes just become lazy or run out of stock. Such was our case, we ran out of stock! We weren’t drunk, we were sober. We weren’t wild, we were soft. We weren’t having sex, we were sharing love and the sorrow of parting ways. I was going back to my parents, and that is when I get pregnant. Brilliant!

“Abortion is bad. I was in depression for an entire year or two. The time I got it done, I couldn’t speak for a week. I saw it. I saw the baby wrapped in blood lying in the pot. I had nightmares, visions of a crying baby. I just wish, nobody goes through what I had experienced”, a friend of mine had told me after getting her abortion done.

Her version of an abortion was scary. Amongst the both of us, she was the strong one. I was the one with a weak heart. ‘What if I am guilt ridden throughout my life?’ Well, to be very honest that wasn’t the priority.

I wanted this thing out of me, before my tummy started to swell and before my parents or anyone could find out.

After being constipated for about two weeks, I started getting blood strands while passing stool. My vaginal discharge was a bit weird too, it had granules or something in it. This was enough to hint me to get a pregnancy test done even before I missed my first period. Let me break the ice to you, I didn’t faint, didn’t experience nausea neither did I have any sort of cravings. Yes, they are symptoms of pregnancy but for later stage, by the time these start showing up, girls like me have already gotten rid of the menace giving us sleepless nights. So, kindly don’t wait for these. Every woman is different and hence the experience for everyone is different. Mine was what I told you, yours might be different. Just be aware.

The ONLY emotional thing about my pregnancy was that I felt it from within. Even before anything happened, I knew there was trouble coming my way. I knew there was a chance that I might be pregnant. I don’t know how but I felt it.

I spoke to friends. Yes! I told my friends that I was pregnant. They were supportive. Friends don’t judge you, they are with you and in fact, mine were more concerned about me than I ever was. I was not crazy enough to think about things like killing my own baby. My boyfriend too knew that it wasn’t the right time.

We hadn’t even started earning enough to take care of our alcohol, bringing up a baby was stupid.

And of course, we weren’t married neither were planning to do it. We were young. It was a mistake. The small zygote, you call me the horrible woman who calls her baby a zygote but it is true, I was so focussed on getting rid of it that calling it a part of me seemed like a crazy idea.

Next, I was in the hospital. My boyfriend was the one to do the homework about the hospital, doctor and the expense. Entering the hospital, my feet were trembling. ‘What if I have surpassed the stage when an abortion can be done? What if there are complications? What if the doctor turns out to be my mother’s sister’s husband’s colleague’s wife?’  Trust me you get all of these ‘what ifs’ in your head. It is perfectly normal.

I went in. They examined. Made me pop a pill and inserted one down there. I was in the hospital for two hours, it took another two hours for me to start bleeding. It was done! Bleeding was normal, normal period cramps is all the pain that I had to go through.

Emotional pain? Well, when I saw a few lumps of blood come out or if I were to dramatize it, when I saw my baby wrapped in blood, it just gave me one thing — satisfaction.

I am an emotional person. I respect relations. I am just another girl who plans her future with her boyfriend. Who loves kids. I am a girl who goes aww.. at every picture of a cute kid on her Facebook timeline. Still for me, that zygote had no emotional importance. I didn’t blackmail my boyfriend to live with me just because we had our first baby together and we killed it. Cut me some slack!

I became a strong person that day. Now, I can talk to people about sex, pregnancy, my pregnancy, about abortions and not feel shy and shady about it. I hate the people who dramatize this episode. I hated my friend that day for scaring the hell out of me.

‘I murdered my own child.’

I won’t call myself a feminist but I always support what is right. For me, abortion was right. Girls who make a big deal out of it despite feeling nothing need to get a grip in life. Stop making things worse for yourself and others around. I have been judged for being so casual about an abortion but then isn’t it my life and don’t I have the right to make my own decisions?

Abortions are not good. Not because the society says so or because you will be judged if people get to know but only because it is not healthy for our body. Avoid abortions not by becoming Juno but by having safe sex.

I chose to talk about it because girls need to know the reality behind an abortion. Try to avoid it but if necessary, getting it done is the only sane choice you are left with. It is not a big deal. It wasn’t for me. It won’t be for you. It I were to put it in one line,

To see my baby die was the wisest decision I have made in my life. It made me a woman from being a girl, a much stronger woman than I would have been otherwise.

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