I entered Sid’s house clandestinely hoping his parents wouldn’t wake up. We had been through a night of heavy drinking at the club. After all, it was the end of our first year engineering examinations. But we of course celebrated like we had already become engineers. I had a wonderful time that night.
I’m not sure if I can say the same with regards to what happened later that night.
As soon as he opened his door, I dived into the bed, drowsy after my night’s exploits. He settled for the sofa located beside the bed and smiled at me as he saw me do that.
“Long night huh,” he said.
“I’m so tired I just want to sleep,” I murmured as I closed my eyes.
It wasn’t the first time I had been to Sid’s place, but it was the first time I was staying over. My friend whose house I had to stay over at hadn’t turned up because she’d fallen sick, which left me with the only option of going home, (which I didn’t want to in my inebriated state). So I ended up coming to Sid’s house, which was a familiar place for me.
“Wake up,” he said as I slowly opened my eyes.
“I’m not sleepy at all. Come let’s smoke a cigarette in the balcony,” Sid said pulling me up by my hands.
As we smoked outside in his balcony, we reminisced about the last year at university and wished we could do it all over again. Somehow I wasn’t feeling as tired when I finished the cigarette. Sid flicked the cigarette in his typical style (with his middle finger) and we decided to call it a night.
We went inside the room again and he proceeded to tidy up the bed while I looked at his pictures stuck on the wall from when he was younger.
“You look so cute in these pictures,” I said as I stared at his wall of fame.
“What happened to you!” I said dramatically as he let out a faint laugh.
“We’ve known each other for more than twelve years now,” he said as he now stood behind me.
“Yes, it’s strange,” I replied.
“And to think now we’ll be on to separate paths in our careers, it’s kind of sad.”
“I’ll miss you,” he said.
Just then, I felt his hands on my waist from behind. I was a little taken aback and tried to move his hands from my stomach. “Let it be,” he whispered slowly into my ear as he moved my hair to one side on my shoulder. He held on tight and was so close to me now, I could feel him breathing on my nape. He started to nuzzle my hair and kiss the back of my neck. I was taken aback and I asked him in a calm voice what he was doing. He didn’t seem to hear anything. I tried to break away, shrugged my shoulders in an attempt to let loose but he was too strong. He held me by my shoulders and kept kissing the back of my neck.
He then aggressively pushed me towards the wall in front.
“Ahh it’s hurting Sid,” I moaned but he didn’t stop as he now started to hump me slowly from behind. “Why are you doing this,” I said loudly this time. “Sssshh it’s going to be fine,” he replied as he threw me onto the bed. I lay there face up, staring at his face for the first time in shock and horror. He quickly unzipped his pants, threw them on the floor and lunged at me.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SID,” I shouted this time.
He put his hands on my mouth and signalled me to keep quiet. He lay on top of me, and I could feel his penis rubbing against my stomach through his underwear. Everything about this was wrong. I didn’t know what was happening in that moment and what Sid was doing. Moreover, my ability to analyse the situation was hampered by the fact that I was sloshed. My thought process wasn’t clear and I felt I wasn’t reacting to the situation like I should have.
I lay there confused, shocked and appalled all at the same time.
He removed his underwear and proceeded to lift my skirt slowly. I held his hand as he went up my thigh and shook my head as if pleading him to stop and not go further. Again, he didn’t seem to care. I remember wincing the first time he penetrated it, and then proceeded to do so for the next couple of minutes. I lay there motionless, not trying to resist in any way whatsoever, staring up at his face as he continued to pound me harder.
I flinched as he went in and out but remember feeling this sense of euphoria and intense pleasure at the same time.
I moaned as I could feel him inside me. It was intense. This went on for about five minutes, during which neither he nor I uttered a word. Whenever I moaned a little loudly, he put his hands on my mouth to keep me shut. The thrusting continued and I felt a deep sense of pleasure every time he did so.
I found myself having conflicting emotions; here I was forcefully getting sexually penetrated by my friend who I trusted blindly at some point but didn’t know whether to feel ashamed and humiliated or liberated. I say ‘liberated’ because I had never been sexually pleasured that way and wondered if finding joy or gratification in that situation would be immoral. Of course you’d say it was immoral and I’m the wrongest person on this planet right now. I know it but it was something about him shutting me up and forcing himself upon me that turned me on. Immensely that too.
I also remember wanting him not to stop and to go on and on. I closed my eyes and groaned as it started to hurt all the more now. All of a sudden, I felt a terrible urge to pee and so tried getting up with my hands.
“I have to pee,” I said as I tried to get up.
But he firmly stopped me. The urge to pee was uncontrollable now and I moaned in pleasure loudly as I released the fluid on the bed as Sid pulled out just in time. I realised then that I hadn’t pissed but had an orgasm; the first time in my life I had had one. I could hardly breathe, the lower part of my body convulsed violently, but at the same time I felt an extreme sense of ‘pleasure pain’. Sid tried to get in my vagina one more time after the intense orgasm but I crossed my legs, begging him to stop as tears trickled down my eyes. He forcefully entered me once again. After a few moments of what seemed like unbearable pain to me, he came inside me. He moaned, and then arched his back and lay down on top of me with his arms wrapped around my neck and breathing heavily into my hair. Neither of us said anything. And just like that, without saying a word, after a couple of seconds, he stood up and went to the toilet.
I felt embarrassed and betrayed. I was going through a myriad of emotions, which I wasn’t able to decipher then. My vagina hurt and I felt exhausted due to the convulsions in my body. I lay on the bed, and looked at Sid as he came out of the toilet and lay right next to me. We both looked at each other and then he kissed me good night and turned the other way.
I spent the night at his place; the guy who had been my friend for over a decade and the guy who had just raped me.
We met a couple of months after the incident at a common friend’s party. None of us said anything as if the incident never took place. I guess it was all understood. Before leaving, Sid, visibly drunk again came close to me and whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry I was on drugs and alcohol that night and I haven’t been able to forgive myself for what I subjected you to.”
I felt ashamed and dirty and horrible but I forgave him. We continue to be ‘good friends’ till date and neither of us has had the courage to spend a night together or bring up that night.